Why Most "Men Who Cheat" Cheat?

Today,  I want to talk about sex. Why not? As it is a basic need, most of us think about it fairly often enough. In this instance, I want to comment on the touchy (no pun intended) subject within the context of fidelity in marriage and relationships between two mutually consenting adults. However, I will attempt to do this from both a biblical and male perspective by sharing some scriptural references and my own personal experience.

Part 1: The Biblical Perspective

(Disclaimer for the critics and haters: The purpose of this blog article is not to provide a definitive, comprehensive or conclusive guide on the subject, but instead helpful insight, if applicable. As always, I'm going to keep it real and raw as I do not purport to be a minister, but just an ordinary man himself striving in his own way to have a heart after God.)

Hebrews 13:4, NIV - "Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral."

1 Corinthians 7:3-5, NIV - "3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."

Okay, so we have some notion on what the bible says. In Hebrews 13:4, one could interpret the desire of God is that the union of love between two people remain pure and untainted by sexual affairs with outside third parties. Whereas 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 is clearly less ambiguous and instructs couples to fulfill their marital "booty duty" to each other, while admonishing that such deprivation be temporary and due to mutual consent for the sake of prayerful devotion and pursuit of our higher calling (my interpretation). Anything extended beyond this risks the pitfalls of temptation, something to which I can and will personally attest.

Note that I intentionally prefaced this article with a diagram of Maslow's hierarchy of needs. While it is not biblically oriented, most would universally agree with its premise. Meeting basic needs is the foundation of our survival and existence, but certainly not its sole purpose, which is inclined to loftier needs and goals and ultimately self-actualization. With most things in life, lack of a solid support system, which includes some aspects of human relationships, can contribute to dysfunctional weaknesses. The stability of one level is often dependent upon that of the preceding level.

So what's my point? A relationship burdened with sexual deprivation could likely spill over into other issues with our higher needs. For every action there is always going to be a reaction. This is a law of the universe created by God and cannot be refuted without divine intervention. Consider the following.

1. Safety: Security and stability on an emotional level often comes under pressure when intimacy is absent.
2. Belongingness and Love: Intimacy and affection often go hand-in-hand. Remove the former and kill the latter. The pain of rejection triggers the survival instinct to withdraw physically and/or emotionally.
3. Esteem: The feeling of not being loved or belonging can and does impact our esteem (which, by the way, underscores the importance of building a relationship with Christ, by whom we are continually accepted and loved) and how we regard our status. Show me a person who is loved and I'll show you someone who glows with an abundance of high self-esteem.
4. Self-actualization: As a Christian, I believe that personal growth and fulfillment pivot around a relationship with God. However, deep and meaningful human relationships which are dysfunctional can often be a stumbling block in our lives and lead to distraction or distortion of our true nature (which I will illustrate later).

Part 2: The Human Side of the Male Perspective

This now leads me to the real issue I want to deal with in this article, which is the prevalence of infidelity in our society, whether it be relationships within or without the confines of marriage. To be fair, there are cheaters and then there are cheaters. I cast neither judgment nor stones, but, all the same, let's not ignore the elephant in society's living room. In the spirit of "keeping it real, here's a 5-minute YouTube video from a woman who offers some true but painful reasons why some men cheat. (Be forewarned that some of the language may be graphic, but this is the internet and I presume we are adults here. Besides, if you are that holy, you probably don't belong here on this site anyway.)

All done? Good! As you have gleaned from watching this video in which a woman acknowledges what most men already know, i.e. most men cheat not because they "want to", but because they often "have to" when human weakness prevents them from enduring the unsustainable circumstances of unmet needs. I know this to be true as I have witnessed solid men, some of them pillars within their community and good family providers who would never fathom leaving their spouse or family, succumb to the frustrations of unmet needs.

Human beings, on the surface, may appear complex, but deep inside we are driven to fulfill or satisfy essential needs. Ladies, it's really as simple as that and has nothing to do about his not loving or caring for you. The average decent guy actually doesn't want to be with another woman. He wants to be with "his" girl. To emphasize my point, consider this: I really don't want to chew off my leg or arm either, but if caught in a trap with no other means of escape, I'd seriously consider doing exactly that to survive.

Driven by Desperation
In my own personal situation, I was married for 9 years to a woman whom I had courted for 4 years and the last half of the marriage was pure hell and misery. Less than 2 weeks after my divorce, I had no problem reclaiming a part of my dignity and humanity as a man by engaging in physical intimacy with a woman after only 2 dates. Why? Was I emotionally indifferent to my ex-wife? Absolutely not. I still loved her and grieved from the pain of loss, but even more overwhelming was the pain of a wounded and rejected soul that had slept in a separate bed and bedroom for the last 4 years and had been on the receiving end of sex being deployed as a weapon and tool of manipulation. There should be a law on the books for domestic torture as well as domestic violence.

As I value marriage and fear God, I chose not to "physically" cheat on my wife, despite concluding that the relationship was doomed after unsuccessful attempts to seek marriage counseling. We had become emotionally and sexually divorced from one another long before the legal closure. Yet, as a father to a daughter, I felt that cheating on my wife was also akin to cheating on my child. Had I chosen to do so, I'd probably still be married to this very day like others. Who knows? Maybe things could have worked out, but instead I walked away from what was truly a unhappy situation and failed, so I will never know.

(Disclaimer for the loyal and faithful: Alright already, I'm not labeling all or most men as cheaters, so if this does not apply to you, then don't get your panties all knotted and twisted.)

Now, here's an interesting twist. Throughout most of my adolescent and young adult male life, I had never taken an interest in any type of pornography. Fast forward to a married life void of sex and the temptations of depravity eventually led to discovery and clandestine embrace of internet porn. Although I didn't physically cheat on my wife, I was guilty of doing so on a "spiritual" level and will not deny it.

Part 3: Take-away Conclusion

First off, successful marriages and relationships are never easy and require hard work and commitment from both parties. When cracks in the foundation emerge, they are never easy to repair, largely due to a lack of effective communication and honest acceptance of responsibility by each party's respective contribution to a problem.

However, I must state that refusing to meet your partner's needs while still insisting on all other entitlements and privileges of marriage or relationships is a slippery slope and in essence a form of cheating itself, as it represents unfairness. Therefore ladies, before quickly judging your man to be a cheater, honestly ask, outside of physical health issues, if you are available or willing to meet his needs for intimacy? If not, then take responsibility and quit playing victim. "Not wanting him" and "not wanting anyone else to want him" either is unrealistic and a recipe for disaster.

With respect to my brethren, before rushing off to greener pastures, honestly search your soul and maybe even ask her as well if you are satisfactorily meeting her needs. Be aware that different languages exist to express love, therefore physical intimacy may not necessarily hold the same priority for her as it does for you. As a helpful hint, many women place more emphasis on needs associated with safety, so in a certain sense guys, they are at least one level above most of us. (Laugh if you choose or get with the program.)

Lastly, sometimes the complicated reality that neither of you are capable or willing to meet each other's needs, despite mutual love, will exist. If so, I would highly encourage the practice of prayer and gratitude for one another, along with professional counseling. Either way, you have to deal with it through communication or negotiation, because life's too short not to _______________.